Pax Americana is no more. Righteously pissed about our dissent over that whole Shannon affair, our fair country’s capital was infiltrated this weekend by the forces of the US of A. Under what has been toted Operation Indie the North American Scum are setting out a campaign of brainwashing and re-education of music lovers across Dublin, in the hope of instigating an internal revolution against the country’s decrepit and backwards music scene. It’s a Matt Damon movie in the making.

PHASE I

Friday 2 November 2007

Handpicked from the heartland of President Bush himself, Voxtrot began the first wave of attack. Young men after a reputation and the light of the glory of war in their eyes, they stormed the stage of the hub of Irish evening activity, the…erm…Hub. Their youthful exuberance was obvious from their boundless stage energy, lead by general-in-the-making Ramesh Srivastava in their fey indie-pop manoeuvres. It was obvious these privates had been studying the victories of past troupes, echoing strategies employed by the great generals Morrissey and Marr and the early movements of the “New Order”. They set up a procedure of slow erosion, steadily consuming the hearts of the captive audience, before releasing their double whammy of secret weapons: Firecracker and The Start Of Something. The unassuming civilians who witnessed the Voxtrot band of brothers onslaught were left dazed and smiling like children. Their mission was complete: the minds of the Irish were cracked open for the next phases of the Operation to re-educate.

(Note: You Say Party! We Say Die! actually headlined this gig, and did a damn good job of it. However, they’re Canadian, so in the spirit of racial purity and for the sake of continuing this long and probably already jaded metaphor they’re being jilted. Sorry guys. You were class.)

PHASE II

Sunday 4 November 2007

For the second round of attacks in this tripartite assault the Americans sent in one of their most experienced corps of its army: the Animal Collective elite. However, this incursion was plagued with problems from the beginning. One member of the four-man party, Pvt. Deakin, was left at home for mysterious reasons. Misfortune continued as the army tank was attacked in travel through Manchester (i.e., some Mancunian knackbags put a brick through their tour van’s window, and didn’t even bother nicking any of their stuff). The most damaging malady though, was the sickness which befell Ltn. Avey Tare, leader of the squadron. His ailment prevented him from using his hypnotic vocals to mesmerize the larger captive audience in Tripod. As such some the strongest weapons in the Animal Collective arsenal were obsolete: Grass, Peacebone, Turn Into Something and The Purple Bottle. The brigade laboured on regardless, using mainly newly developed weapons. However after six rounds of attack, the Collective allowed Panda Bear to unleash some of his solo expertise on the crowd. Nevertheless, a majority of the crowd were left with a dull sense of the true powers of the experienced troop, and they did not capitalize on the strong position established by the earlier phase of the Operation.

Animal Collective in war-masks to frighten enemies.

PHASE III

Monday 5 November 2007

In a last ditch attempt to recover lost ground from the previous days misfires, the Americans sent over two of its most promising young acts who have already proved themselves in other missions; YACHT and Deerhunter. An unlikely pairing of regiments, it was a risky venture indeed. However, from the moment Cmd. Jona Bechtolt (a.k.a. YACHT, a.k.a. former member of the Blow) descended on the stage of the stronghold of the Irish muso (an elite, particularly fervent soldier of the Irish music scene, most difficult to brainwash to new ways due to their inherent mantra: “I prefer the first album.”). Codename YACHT initiated a multifaceted offense on the musos: beats that make the feet move inexorably, lyrical hooks that instantly reel the mind in and force the lips into repeating them, and the best goddamned dancing this side of black Michael Jackson. The musos resisted to their best of their ability, utilizing their well-worn defense of folded arms and beard strokes. However, by the last notes of the blitzkrieg that is See A Penny, Pick It Up there was undoubtedly some head-nodding, feet-shuffling and appreciative looks at the break-dancing invader. It is suspected that if the musos had hearts where their robotic nerve centre is they might even have start dancing along too.

Codename YACHT wielding weapon of war and feigning peace sign to disconcert enemy.

But Becholt did his job, and did it well. Deerhunter, the Portland, Oregon militia loaded their pedals and took aim with their instruments straight for the musos nerve centres. A rigorous attack of thoroughly compelling psychadelic shoegazing gothic post-rock (a conglomeration of many facets of the musos soft spots) forced the Irish to do what they had resisted for so long: move their feet, uncross their arms and, in some cases, indulge in some heavy head nodding. Octet and Cryptograms were particularly noteworthy forays, and will surely go on to earn them international recognition for their irresistable movements.

Deerhunter’s mass-hypnosis Cryptogram.

OUTCOME

The success of the programme will become obvious over the next few days as the Irish begin to be noticed sporting YACHT gold-anchor patterned t-shirts, and humming the national anthem (”Oh I don’t know, oh, where to begin, we are North Americans…”) as they go about their daily business. The atrocities of Iraq and Afghanistan hold no comparison to the the American Invasion of Ireland that may well go on to have far-reaching and sinister effects on the Irish music scene. The revolution has begun.

Daniel Gray From the moment he put the first Steps album into his stereo he knew he'd found his calling.
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